Doubling the Love and Chaos: A Journey from One to Two Kids – Part 2

Transitioning from One Child to Two

Okay. Now that you know what stroller to either buy or not buy, do your research on that. You know how to uptake your protein levels to get the gains that you’re seeking. Let’s circle back to the topic at hand, which is going from 1 child to 2.

Now, one of the big things that you would think is, oh, I’m a parent. I have one kid. I, you know, I know what I’m doing. LOL. Do you? I know I don’t.

Because the fact of the matter is, it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been at it. Your kids 2 years, your kids 4 years, your kids 6 years, and you’re about to have your second baby, it doesn’t matter. All children are different.

So what you think you, quote, unquote, know from your first child, it’s most likely gonna be a 180 versus your first.

And let me give you a perfect example. As I’ve been sharing on social media, my baby girl has been struggling with both a tongue and a lip tie revision. And at 3 months, we went to a pediatric dentist. We got it fixed. It’s turned out great.

And literally up until this past week, she was refusing to take the bottle, because she physically couldn’t do it. Then she was in pain. Then she was relearning all the things.

So between all of that, the pain, the confusion, it felt like we were in a constant cycle of 2 steps forward, 1 step back. And I’m trying to really, really stay positive with her forward steps and not be discouraged and not be frustrated about all of the tears both on her end and mine that have happened, the money we have spent on specialists, like, just gotta let it go.

Because if this is the worst thing that we have to deal with with her, then that’s a miracle on itself, because she’s just such a fantastic child. And you would think that something like a tongue tie would be easy, once again, air quotes, for me to spot, given that my toddler also had a tongue tie. But we had hers revised on the 3rd day of life.

But alas, every child and experience is different. You think you know, and then you’re quickly brought back to reality to understand you actually have no idea.

Challenges and Differences with Each Child

It was just a totally different experience. My toddler couldn’t nurse, had to have it revised. My baby, she figured out a way to nurse but still had the tongue tie. And then when she got a bottle, she couldn’t do it. So it’s just one of those things that my husband and I say this all the time, like, don’t bother googling things.

If you’re if you’re expecting and you’re listening to this, like, I’m telling you, you’ll drive yourself crazy, because you look something up and there’s no black and white answer. Everything is a freaking gray answer when it comes to kids. It really is. Oh, what is this spot on my kid? Whatever.

I’m just making this up. Oh, that could be anything from a to z. Okay. When do babies first get their teeth? Oh, anywhere from 4 months to 18 months. It’s, like, awesome. Like, there’s just such a wide range.

Co-Sleeping and Nighttime Routines

And at the top of the episode, I mentioned how I was laying in bed with both my girls. So I’m nursing my baby.

I’m patting the other one on the back to get her to sleep. First of all, I don’t know how people don’t cosleep, but to each their own. I get it. I swore I was never gonna do it either, but here we are nearly 3 years later, and it is a game changer.

It has helped all of us sleep so much better, but I digress. This is where this, you know, the sleeping pattern, if you will, and the nighttime routine, etcetera, going from 1 to 2 is a challenge. The fact of the matter is you have double the work. Right? And you have to divide and conquer as parents.

And, hopefully, your partner is supporting you and is helping you do this, because it is definitely a challenge even when it is 2 people. Because a lot of times you can’t control both the toddler and and the newborn. You can’t control who they want. And a lot of times, let’s be real, they both want mom. It’s it’s just a fact.

Dividing Attention Between Children

It’s their center. It’s what calms them down. It’s what makes them feel safe. And it’s not that their father can’t, it’s just different. And you have to split your time. There’s no getting around it. And I say you’re splitting your time, and when I say that it sounds like, oh, 50/50. The reality is it’s not.

It’s it’s just not. And that, truth be told, has been the hardest adjustment for me.

Knowing that my baby, I’m just telling you how it is, she’s not getting the same attention as my toddler. So, tonight, when I was putting my toddler down to sleep, I hear her say, no, mama. Don’t feed her.

I mean, toddlers just they need more attention. This age that they’re in so, you know, my daughter when my toddler, they’re both daughters. My toddler when her baby sister was born was 2a half. I mean, there’s a reason why you see so many Instagram reels and TikToks of the craziness that is toddlerhood. I mean, it is nuts. Okay? Just putting it lightly.

Emotional challenge of feeling one child gets more attention

It’s fantastic to see them grow every single day. The vocabulary expansion, just seeing their brains work, they’re babies, but they’re not babies. Right? They’re gaining their independence, but they still need you. They still wanna cuddle you, but they also tell you, no, I got this.

Like, it’s this push pull relationship when you have a toddler. The fact is, though, like, they are more aware of the lack of attention versus the baby. The baby only knows what the baby knows. Right? And the baby, quite frankly, wants you when?

They’re tired, when they’ve gone to the bathroom and they wanna be changed, and when they’re hungry.

Right? Like, that’s just how it is. Whereas a toddler, they know when you’re not paying attention to them, and they call you out on it. Like your baby, not so much. So it goes without saying, of course, you’re meeting the needs of the baby, all those things that I just described, but you’re doing more with the toddler. Right?

You’re playing with the toddler more. You’re conversing with the toddler more. They just have your attention. A, because they’ve had it for so long, and it’s a lot harder to take that away from them.

Emotional and Practical Adjustments

They’re toddlers, so your head is constantly on a swivel about what are they getting into, what cabinet are they opening, what are they climbing on. Like, I mean, my daughter, she knows how to open the front door now, and that’s, like, got us on edge. Right? So it’s just different.

And the toddler, quite frankly, they can just they can do more. And I’m trying to do personally the the best I can to soak up whatever mini moments I have with the baby. So, you know, if in the morning, she’s up before my toddler, like, I am all in, we’re playing, we’re we’re bonding.

Obviously, breastfeeding, that is so important to me. It’s it’s a nonnegotiable. I’m not gonna lie to you. Now that she is taking the bottle, like, I’m so proud of her, and I’m happy for her. And I’m glad my mom doesn’t have to drive her to my work every day because that’s what she was doing.

She was driving her to my job every day so I could feed her. Sometimes twice if I had a long work day. I mean, it was intense. Legit. It was hard.

But a little piece of me was sad in a way once she started taking the bottle because I loved getting to see her in the middle of the day and and my toddler too and nursing her because nursing to me is the best way that I’ve been able to bond with my babies, especially since my toddler.

Like, she’s affectionate when she feels like it. But when she was eating, she, like, had to be, you know, comfy and cozy and cuddling with me. And so these moments with the baby, you’re soaking them in because you know how fast it goes. You know how fast it went with your older babies.

And my toddler is my mini me. Like, through and through. She looks like me. She talks like me. Her temperament, everything. Like, literally, a mini Maren.

But I’d be lying if I said I don’t wanna miss out on my baby’s moments. Because I know, like, with my toddler, not that I could miss out on anything, she was my only child, but always in the back of my mind, I’m like, oh, well, maybe maybe we could have another one.

Like, it was a thought. But now my husband and I have discussed, like, especially going through what I went through with my pregnancies, like, it it’s not safe, to be quite frank.

It’s not safe for me to have more. So knowing that I don’t plan on having more children makes all of this time piece, like going back to work and missing certain moments or feeling like I can’t spend as much time with her like I did with my child. Like, it makes it that much harder.

And I know I’m not alone in that because I’ve had lots of conversations with other moms about what it’s been like for them.

And I know there are other women who are going through this right now. And I want you to know if you are about to have your second baby or you’re planning on it, know that all of this is normal.

It’s just part of it. It really is.

Building Bonds and Routines

Another hurdle of going from 1 to 2 that I really didn’t anticipate was the lack of coordinating the schedules. Now, yes, tonight they happen to fall asleep at the same time, bless be, but that was just on chance because my toddler refused her nap, which also, spoiler alert, the closer they get to 3, the less naps they have. Yay.

It feels like throughout the day, especially at night, one is falling asleep, the other one’s waking up. They’re just not on the same schedule. You know, one’s eating, and then, oh, no, this one has to be changed.

Or, oh, this one’s getting settled down. Mommy has to go on the potty. Like, if I could go back in time to my first time mother self, and anyone who’s listening to this, if this is your first baby or you’re about to have your first baby, please, for love of all things holy, enjoy the downtime, my friend.

K? Enjoy the quiet. Enjoy the days of sitting on the couch, the contact napping.

Because those days, once that baby is up and moving and running… I’m not talking about in the beginning when they’re, like, stumble stumble fall. I’m talking about, like, toddlerhood. Okay? All of that is gone. Bye.

You just you just can’t do it. I’m sorry, homie. Not when there’s tubs and tubs of Play Doh calling your toddler to come play with them in in the cabinet or when they pick me up, pick me up, pick me up, like they it’s just different, I’m telling you. And then when you have 2, your head is on a swivel.

I don’t go anywhere, and this is gonna probably surprise people with how independent I am, and literally, like I said, my toddler, I’ve traveled on a plane with her by myself. I’ve done all the things with her.

But with 2, I don’t do it. I don’t go to Target by myself. I don’t go to Publix by myself. I don’t go anywhere with just the 2 of them. I think the only times I’ve gone to places where with both of them have been doctor’s appointments.

Impact of dad’s involvement on family dynamics

So I’ve taken both of them to the pediatrician by myself, and I’ve taken both of them to the chiropractor by myself. Other than that, no. And one of the things that my husband and I have really been trying to implement is the man on man defense.

Like, you take that one, I’ll take this one. And it’s actually helped my toddler and my husband bond even more.

She’s definitely a daddy’s girl. She’s definitely a a grampy’s girl. Like, she’s a guy’s girl. I’m telling you, this kid is me. And I love how she’s been bonding with my husband so much.

Father-daughter bonding activities

It it’s fantastic for her. She follows him around like a little shadow whenever he comes home from work. There are certain days that he has off in the morning, and she likes to go in the garage and work out with him, or he’s just off in general.

And he’ll take her to swimming, just the 2 of them, and then they run errands. The new thing is they get smoothies now. Like, they got them one time, and now she associates every time that she finishes swimming and is hanging out with daddy, they’re getting a smoothie.

So I think it’s been, like, 2 or 3 weeks now that they just get smoothies. Like, she just knows that’s where they’re going.

And I think that is absolutely adorable. And I’m also appreciative of that because that allows me the 1 on one time with the baby. Now I do feel bad that he does miss out on a lot of the the baby moments, if you will.

But my husband is he’s more focused on the now than I am sometimes. I worry more about things than he does, and I look forward too much rather than staying in the the present. I’m just owning that. I know that. Working on it.

So for him, like, he’s focused on the quality, not the quantity with our children and specifically with the baby. So he does get those moments with her for sure.

You know, getting her ready for bed or in the morning, you know, getting her in her little outfit, yada yada yada. And and quite frankly, with the baby, there’s only so much the dad can do anyway.

I’m her source, if you will. So it does make sense that he’s taking on more of the toddler duties. I see that a lot with the dads. Like, once that little human is up running and talking and they can hang out and they can throw the ball, hit the golf club, yada yada yada. I don’t know. It just something changes in in dads.

It it’s it’s pretty cool to watch.

Potty Training Challenges With Our Toddler

Another hurdle I didn’t anticipate, but I’m happy to say we are leaping over now, thankfully, fingers crossed, is potty training. I could do a whole podcast on this and I probably will, but wow. We started working with my toddler on it months before the baby came, like, around her 2nd birthday.

But like so many other things, our toddler definitely regressed into baby mode when the baby came. Why?

I mean, attention. This is what it came down to. She started recognizing, oh, well, mommy and daddy pick up the baby when she needs to be changed. Things like that. So I wanna wear a diaper, you know.

Attention-seeking behaviors of toddlers

The baby wears a diaper, why can’t I wear a diaper? And so those baby tendencies got more attention, and that really regressed the forward movement we had made with potty training.

She started crawling out of nowhere. I mean, kid hasn’t crawled since she was, like, 13 months old. And now all of a sudden, like, she was back to that.

She was pulling out toys that she hadn’t even touched in over a year. Obviously, they’re sisters, so the baby gets a lot of hand me downs. She’s got fantastic clothes. So grateful, I guess, to use those again.

But my toddler will be like, that’s mine. I’m like, homie, you don’t fit in that. Like, sorry. You know, but she knew that that at one time was her.

She’s seen photos of herself in it and she wanted it. So that’s normal. Obviously, all kiddos are gonna go through it.

I talked in a previous episode about what we’ve been trying to do to combat that, and I do believe it’s working because the best thing about going from 1 to 2 is, first of all, your heart expands.

People are gonna tell you that, and you’re gonna be like, yeah, okay. But it does. In the beginning, it is difficult because you spent so much time with the older one. And so this new little person coming into your home, it’s it is gonna shift things a little bit.

Positive Aspects of Having Two Children

And what I personally felt was I obviously loved the baby, and I am her mother, so I’m a lioness at heart and protecting her at all costs.

But your relationship’s different, it it just is. And so that love has to grow over time and and develop.

And I can say that for me, you know, that 1st month, it was just kinda getting to know one another. Right? It it just really was, for me and the baby. And now, like I said, I can’t imagine life without her.

And seeing the 2 girls together is is so cool. It’s just so cool. The way they smile at one another, the way my toddler speaks to the baby.

Building sibling relationships

The baby’s starting to find her voice, and she loves her sister. She gets so excited. She bounces in her bouncer. She squeals. I swear she said, hey, tonight. I swear she did. It’s wild. And and to know that that bond between the 2 of them is only gonna grow.

And and the bond between all 3 of us, you know, the girls is gonna grow. And then and with their father, and it’s it’s so cool.

It really is so cool, and I can’t even articulate it. And I really believe that God brings babies into our lives for a reason.

And I know it’s really hard because you love your… if if right now you have one baby, and you know how much you love that baby, and you can’t possibly imagine loving another baby in the same way.

I want you to know that I understand where you’re coming from. I want you to know I felt the same dang way. But what I can tell you is it’s more than possible. Now, are there gonna be moments where you feel like you are spread super thin? Yes.

Are there gonna be moments where you’ve like I said before, you feel tapped out? You’re gonna be tired? All of the things. Yes. I mean, that’s parenthood in a nutshell.

But when you look at your child and you think, wow, I created that. Like, imagine doing that again. And imagine you you don’t just create a baby, you know, because you can. It’s not necessarily about you and your spouse, your partner.

It’s about your other child and what you’re providing for them. And that was my biggest a-ha moment. Being an only child, having one child, you know, who’s almost 2 years old, when we got pregnant the second time.

Benefits of having a built-in best friend for the older child

Providing that built in best friend for my toddler, that to me is the coolest thing. It really is. And I’m not saying that there aren’t gonna be times that they are gonna fight when they’re older or, you know, whatever. But you gotta nurture their relationship. And that is what I’ve been focusing on.

If you have been thinking about having a second, worried about what it’s gonna look like, your feelings are valid. I’ve been there, done that. Got the gray hairs to prove it. But just know your heart will expand. You’re providing a best friend for your child, and it’s only gonna get better.

It’s so cool to be able to have the greatest experience in the world being a parent getting to do it again. It’s really cool.

That’s the best way I can say it.

Anyway, I’d love to hear your thoughts on this episode. I will continue to share what’s going on in our household as the 2 girls continue to grow. And, like I said, every kid’s different, so

I’m sure we’re gonna face so many different obstacles and hurdles and new learning experiences along the way. And if you’ve been through a scenario like this or you’re thinking about going from 1 child to 2, please know you’re not alone.

I know that this is the most difficult yet rewarding job in the world, and I’m here to help you and support you in every season that you’re in, whether it’s pregnancy, postpartum, motherhood journey, yada yada yada.

I do have 30 minute motherhood mentorship calls that I offer to help you talk through your questions, help you with research findings, explore your birth preferences, and more. I’ve added support on these topics like we have today.

The list is endless of what I can help you find. I’m the research queen. I’ve done this not once, but twice now. I’ve lived and learned, and I wanna be able to take all of that knowledge and and help you, and and kinda cut out some of the fat on the time that you’d be spending researching on it.

Trust me, there’s there’s a lot of gray area out there. I wanna help narrow it down for you. And these calls are your time. We’ll customize it to the conversation that best fits your needs.